The 5 Stages of Grief

1. Denial

2. Anger

3. Bargaining

4. Depression

5. Acceptance

I can be an extremely sarcastic person. And all kidding aside as I enter this post, I must honestly say that it has been a VERY long time since I have felt this hopeless and sad about something...anything. I'm not writing this entry as a means of gaining sympathy, or a pity party, however, I do feel it is important to record this as part of the journey. I can't only blog about the funny, weird, and happy times of this training because then I wouldn't accurately remember everything I had to go through to ultimately reach my goal. 

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My 18 mile run yesterday was anything but easy. It wasn't the worst run I've ever had, but it certainly wasn't the best. It took the first 5-6 miles to warm up and the entire time, my right leg just wasn't having it. I had drank (dranken? drunken?) plenty of fluids, I had eaten a sufficient amount of healthy food to carry me on this run, but my leg was just.... well... retarded. I popped 3 ibuprofen, ate a banana, and a GU pack, and I headed out the door.

I completed the 18 miles, but it was hard. I came back home and immediately iced and stretched. I sit here now, 24 hours later, and my entire ankle and achilles tendon are incredibly swollen. It hurts to walk, it hurts to stretch, it just hurts. On top of all of THAT, the icing I did to my foot yesterday left an ice burn on the back of my lower leg about 6-inches long. So now, I'm not only trying to heal my foot, I'm treating a first degree ice burn.

So returning back to the title of this entry, I'm in Stage 4: Depression. YES, I'm grieving... for my leg. SHUT UP.

1. Denial: "This is NOT happening. It's JUST a little owie. Keep going."

2. Anger: "F#$& YOU foot. WHY WHY WHY"

3. Bargaining: "Okay, listen to me carefully here you stupid little appendage. I've got a long run coming up this weekend, and if I rest you, you've gotta pull through for me on Saturday. Deal?"

4. Depression: "There's no point... It's just going to keep hurting no matter what..."

5. Acceptance: I haven't gotten here yet. Don't know if I will either...

I finally contacted my doctor about taking a look at my foot, but I don't have high hopes for that appointment. 

I guess the only thing really worth reporting right now is the amount of despair I feel when it comes to running. This is about the ONLY thing that I am working towards that is completely mine. This success, of completing a marathong, would be accredited to me and only me. 

I run, on my own. I get my own ass up almost every day to train for this. I run...12, 13, 18 miles...by myself, because I tell myself that I have the will power and determination to do so. Sure, I have friends and family that give me support, which I am VERY grateful for, but ultimately, it's me that carries the responsibility of adequately preparing for this race. Completing this self-set goal would be an incredible accomplishment. And it would be all mine. 

And that's why it sucks even worse to feel like I can't do this. I AM on my own. I DON'T run with anyone else that could help me get through a tough run. And I have worked SO hard to get to where I am now...SO hard that while I feel like giving up, I know that I can't only because I know how much hard work, effort, and commitment I've invested in this goal.

It's hard to even describe what I feel. And I don't even have a plan on getting better. And for those of you that know me, if I don't have a plan, I pretty much freak out. Well, I'm definitely freaking out now.

I have no idea what I'm going to do. I'm obviously resting today, since my foot has decided not to want to move. I may try the bike at the gym, I don't know. 

Hopefully my next entry will be on a happier note, but until then, let's hope I get back into it all ASAP.

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"Even the finest steel has to go through the hottest fire"