Doctor's Appointment

In going back and forth about the decision to get my foot examined by a "professional", I went ahead and signed into my health care web page and saw that I was due for some routine vaccinations. Seeing that I had to see the doctor anyway, I decided I may as well have my doctor look at my foot. After all, I chose her solely on the basis that she was a health care physician that specialized in women and sports. I figured I may as well get my money's worth out of this co-pay...

The Results: IT'S NOT TERMINAL. I'M GOING TO LIVE. HALLELUJAH. 

Okay, seriously. I didn't have high expectations going into this appointment because I knew exactly what she was going to say. "It's a strain. Ice it, and rest it"...and I imagine her saying it without sympathy, not even looking up from her chart to tell me. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to know that my injury needed ice and rest. But with all of my prejudices about this evaluation, I was actually pleasantly surprised at the overall outcome. 

Yes, it was a strain. All those years as a student athletic trainer actually did me some good in college... I was right. 

Yes, I needed to ice it. Again! Genius!

And yes, I did need to rest it.... she doesn't know me AT ALL! I gave her a "look" and took a breath in as I started to explain...

"I know. I know I need to rest, but the reality of it is, I've already PAID for this race...I've already PAID for my flight, so there is no way I'm skipping this event. I plan on running it, regardless of how my leg feels at the time. There will be plenty of time to hurt afterwards...and I'll deal with it then."

I waited for her to begin telling me how risky it was and that I should just stop running for now and pick it back up later, blah blah blah. But she didn't.

"Okay, Tiffany, when is this race?"

"February 6...so I only have about a month to--"

"And how many miles has your longest run been?" She cut me off!

"18, but I --"

"Okay, so I"ll tell you this right now, " This woman would not let me finish! 

"This week, you need to cut WAY back on your miles. No more than 5 miles per day. And this Saturday? Don't run more than 12-13 miles. You can build back up to 20 after this week is over, so you have about 3 more weeks before you need to taper off before the race."

Taper off? What the hell, this woman knows a little bit about marathongs!

She continued. "Don't take more than 4 ibuprofen at a time, I want  you to feel enough pain to know when to stop. I've trained for marathons, and you've already run 18 miles. You already have the ability to complete 26.2. What we need to do now is PREVENT further injury, but maintain your overall fitness level. Cutting  back on the miles and the amount of days you run will help prevent you from becoming more injured, but you NEED to take it easy during the week and save yourself for the long runs."

DAYEMMM. TRUTH BOMB! I just got TOLD! 

I don't know what it was, but for some reason, her words seemed to get through to me. Maybe it was because she was a doctor. Maybe it was because she specialized in sports. Or maybe it was because she's trained for marathongs in the past. She was just able to sympathize and understand what I wanted versus what I needed, and from that, she was able to find a consensus that would serve both. Whatever it was, I walked out of the doc's office feeling like all hope wasn't lost. 

I had a plan. A real plan to get better and still be prepared for February 6. It's not the plan that I had set out, but it was a plan that would still help me get to where I wanted to go. And that's the important thing that I needed to realize today: I wasn't being stopped from achieving my goal. I was simply being shown a different route to my destination.

At the end of the appointment, she noticed what shoes I had worn into the office (boots with a heel) and asked me if I could wear sneakers at work to provide more support to my foot. I told her that it was against dress code to wear sneakers to work for those in my position, and then joked sarcastically while chuckling, "Well, maybe if I had a DOCTOR'S note..."

She cut me off one last time, "Oh, you need a note? No problem" and on her prescription pad, she wrote:

Tiffany was seen and is advised to wear sneakers at work through the end of February 2011.

I'M SO WEARING MY VANS TOMORROW :)

The 5 Stages of Grief

1. Denial

2. Anger

3. Bargaining

4. Depression

5. Acceptance

I can be an extremely sarcastic person. And all kidding aside as I enter this post, I must honestly say that it has been a VERY long time since I have felt this hopeless and sad about something...anything. I'm not writing this entry as a means of gaining sympathy, or a pity party, however, I do feel it is important to record this as part of the journey. I can't only blog about the funny, weird, and happy times of this training because then I wouldn't accurately remember everything I had to go through to ultimately reach my goal. 

_____

My 18 mile run yesterday was anything but easy. It wasn't the worst run I've ever had, but it certainly wasn't the best. It took the first 5-6 miles to warm up and the entire time, my right leg just wasn't having it. I had drank (dranken? drunken?) plenty of fluids, I had eaten a sufficient amount of healthy food to carry me on this run, but my leg was just.... well... retarded. I popped 3 ibuprofen, ate a banana, and a GU pack, and I headed out the door.

I completed the 18 miles, but it was hard. I came back home and immediately iced and stretched. I sit here now, 24 hours later, and my entire ankle and achilles tendon are incredibly swollen. It hurts to walk, it hurts to stretch, it just hurts. On top of all of THAT, the icing I did to my foot yesterday left an ice burn on the back of my lower leg about 6-inches long. So now, I'm not only trying to heal my foot, I'm treating a first degree ice burn.

So returning back to the title of this entry, I'm in Stage 4: Depression. YES, I'm grieving... for my leg. SHUT UP.

1. Denial: "This is NOT happening. It's JUST a little owie. Keep going."

2. Anger: "F#$& YOU foot. WHY WHY WHY"

3. Bargaining: "Okay, listen to me carefully here you stupid little appendage. I've got a long run coming up this weekend, and if I rest you, you've gotta pull through for me on Saturday. Deal?"

4. Depression: "There's no point... It's just going to keep hurting no matter what..."

5. Acceptance: I haven't gotten here yet. Don't know if I will either...

I finally contacted my doctor about taking a look at my foot, but I don't have high hopes for that appointment. 

I guess the only thing really worth reporting right now is the amount of despair I feel when it comes to running. This is about the ONLY thing that I am working towards that is completely mine. This success, of completing a marathong, would be accredited to me and only me. 

I run, on my own. I get my own ass up almost every day to train for this. I run...12, 13, 18 miles...by myself, because I tell myself that I have the will power and determination to do so. Sure, I have friends and family that give me support, which I am VERY grateful for, but ultimately, it's me that carries the responsibility of adequately preparing for this race. Completing this self-set goal would be an incredible accomplishment. And it would be all mine. 

And that's why it sucks even worse to feel like I can't do this. I AM on my own. I DON'T run with anyone else that could help me get through a tough run. And I have worked SO hard to get to where I am now...SO hard that while I feel like giving up, I know that I can't only because I know how much hard work, effort, and commitment I've invested in this goal.

It's hard to even describe what I feel. And I don't even have a plan on getting better. And for those of you that know me, if I don't have a plan, I pretty much freak out. Well, I'm definitely freaking out now.

I have no idea what I'm going to do. I'm obviously resting today, since my foot has decided not to want to move. I may try the bike at the gym, I don't know. 

Hopefully my next entry will be on a happier note, but until then, let's hope I get back into it all ASAP.

_____

"Even the finest steel has to go through the hottest fire"

Marathonging with a Drama Queen

After my 3 mile run on Wednesday, I noticed that my achilles tendon in my right foot was super sore. I didn't remember doing anything to it, but I just couldn't seem to stretch it without it hurting... Not a huge deal, but I just popped some ibuprofen and went to work.

At work, I went about my day as usual, but all throughout my day, the soreness never really went away. And with each passing hour that my foot was still sore, I slowly became slightly more depressed. "What about my long run on Friday? 18 miles!" I would be so effed if I couldn't run.

By the end of the day, the pain was still there and after coming home and jumping in the shower, I looked down at my foot and noticed that my entire right ankle was swollen.

WHOA.

What the hell man. I didn't do ANYTHING to you. You're just doin' me wrong Mr. Foot. Way wrong right now.

I had no idea why my ankle blew up like a balloon and like I said before, I don't remember doing anything to it. But why was my ANKLE swollen when my achilles tendon hurt? So weird! So annoying!!

I took yesterday off to rest, but I am SO SICK of taking days off. Why can't I just run like a regular person?! This injury, or whatever it is, is really testing me. Lately, I've been thinking more and more about just giving up. Training for this marathong is SO time consuming, and my body is always so tired. My entire running schedule is structured around my work schedule, and work has me putting in a lot of hours. So really, I run at the ass-crack of dawn, or really late at night. I'm just so exhausted of battling with reasons why I shouldn't run.

Anyway, after not running yesterday, I decided to run today and then do my long run tomorrow. My parents keep telling me to get it checked out by a doctor, but really, what's a freakin' doctor going to do. "Well, Ms. Lee, it looks like a case of hyperexcercisingtivity with an acute case of nooneissupposedtorun26miles-itis. I recommend rest for 2 weeks."....REST. Eff rest right now.

I just want to get through February. I don't care what limbs I lose until then, but until February arrives, I simply just can't take any more time off. These long runs are so crucial to me because it's helping me mentally, and it's teaching my body how to recover from a long run.

I don't know. Maybe I'm completely wrong. This is, after all, my first marathong. All I know is that this foot needs to be amputated, but I'm stuck with it. I may as well teach it a lesson and get through these next few weeks. I don't have much time left until this marathong...

When Nature Calls (EXPLICIT MATERIAL. READER BEWARE)

The title of this entry pretty much says it: I HAD TO PEE.

I logged in a 10 miler today and to prep for it, I drank a TON of water last night. I've been feeling so sluggish and totally wasted (not the drunk kind) on my runs that I wanted to try and get back into it and feel good.

Anyway, I get up this morning and begin gearing up. And I always leave a last minute bathroom stop in my routine to make sure I'm "empty" before a run...especially a 10  mile run where there are 0 bathrooms. Maybe  couple port-o-potties, but nothing I'm willing to stick my bum into. GROSS. So I use the potty (my potty, not the port-o-potty) and head out the door.

I start running and, I am just NOT feeling this run right off the bat. I'm slow, my muscles kind of hurt already, and I'm just not happy to be out. I get about 1.5 miles into the run and all of a sudden, "UH-OHH".

I should have been in one of those incontinence commercials. You know, you're going through your daily routine, happy music playing in the background...you're laughing with your friends... then the camera pans over to just you with the facial expression that says, "Holy $#&@, I'VE GOTTA GO!" Good lord, that was SO me.

So I get this "feeling" and I tell myself, "You know what, Tiff. Just run faster. It'll make your body forget that you have to go!"

Totally logical, right?

I decide to run faster and pick up the pace, no problem. In fact, I feel like my method of just continuing to run is actually working. When I played lacrosse in college, I would forgo MANY trips to the bathroom due to my fear of getting on my coach's bad side. And normally, when I would "hold it", I was able to continue on with practice and totally forget about having to go. By the end, I'd finally remember, "Oh yeah!"

So my logic was actually working for me.

I was about 2 miles in when I decide to stop. My muscles weren't feeling right, and I just wasn't comfortable, so I decided to stop and stretch for a bit. As SOON as I stopped, "UH-OHHHH!!"

Holy crap, what the hell. FML, this sucks! I've gotta think of something! ANYTHING! OMG! WHAT THE HELL AM I GOING TO DO?! Oh man oh man oh man oh man....

No bathrooms. No port-o-potties. All I had around me was a nice long running trail, and mother nature's lush green trees, plants, and bushes...






YES. I DID.

And don't go and start JUDGING me for taking care of business because you know what? YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IT FEELS LIKE. The hopelessness! The desperation! THE DESPAIR!! You just do not know....so don't you TELL ME NOTHIN' (snap with the shaniqua neck moving side to side)!!

I know this blog will probably gross some, if not all, of you out, but since I'm still posting it, I obviously don't care (I do, but not enough to not write this...ha).  I felt it was a necessary part of the journey to record, because gross or not, I can guarantee that about 90% of all athletes have had to go pee during a practice, or a training session. I can also guarantee that ALL of my college friends have peed outdoors at one time or another, so REALLY, NOT A HUGE DEAL. It'll just be a funny story to look back on and laugh at.

And look at you guys! You're lucky enough to laugh at it with me too!!

So laugh it up, everyone. But I'm just 1 more run closer to my marathong... :)

The Holidays (aka the Enemy)

Happy Holidays everyone! I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday consisting of friends, family, and many good times!

I haven't blogged for almost a week now, but sadly, not much has happened since my last entry. I've been getting over a cold, so I haven't been able to run much. In fact, I skipped my long run (16 miles!) and I skipped a few short runs. All in all, I've managed to stay out of my running for shoes for a total of 4 days and I recently just got back into it all yesterday with a 5 mile run and again today, with a 3 mile run.

I didn't think it would be that bad getting back into the swing of things, but HOLY SHNYSKEES, Christmas really did me in. I traveled into the Bay Area for Christmas this year and was able to see my family. On the menu: PURE AWESOMENESS with a CRAP LOAD of DELICIOUSNESS. I think I had about 100 lbs of all of that on Saturday.

Anyway, I geared up for a 5 mile run yesterday, and headed off to run down by the river. I was only like, 3/4 of a mile into the run and I was just SO NOT feeling it. I felt sluggish, slow, and it felt like my muscles just didn't want to function. The only thing I had to blame was... the delicious food! I was just surrounded by sweets, fats, carbs, and everything else you could imagine! So now, I'm sitting here, chugging on my H2O, and eating only veggies and carbs because I have a 10 miler scheduled for tomorrow, and I"ll be damned if I'm comfortable.

I hate so badly how what you eat has a direct correlation to how you feel when you perform. I mean, my actual PERFORMANCE was the same. I completed by run at the same pace, but I just felt like poop. And right now, with all the left overs surrounding me, it's so hard to just eat right!

We'll see how this 10 miler goes tomorrow. The good news is that I'm about 90% over my cold and ready to run again. Let's hope for the best!

HAPPY RUNNING AND HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

Ah...Ah..ACHOO!

Welp, it's official. I've caught a cold.

The onset of everything was so weird, though. Sunday evening, I went out shopping, did my normal thing, came home and felt a small tickle/scratch in my throat. I thought to myself, "I"ll just start taking Zicam and some Vitamin C. That should do the trick." Afterall, I've got Christmas coming up where I have to see the fam, and it's pretty much a busy week in general. No time for colds!

Monday came, and I still had that scratch in my throat. I went to work as usual, but by the end of the day, I became a freakin' mouth-breather because I couldn't breathe through my nose! I was so stuffed up, my head hurt, and my body started aching. You want to know the first thing that popped into my head when I realized this was more than just a scratchy throat?

"WHAT ABOUT MY RUN TOMORROW!? 10 MILES!"

Yes, now that I've been training for this marathong, all I think about is running. It nearly stresses me out. My boss even told me that I obsess over it. Not in a good way either. It's like, all I can think about during the day is the run I have to get up for the next morning, which, let me tell you, is the ASS-CRACK OF DAWN. And once I finally finish that run, I feel somewhat accomplished for the day, but by 10am, I begin to think about the next run. It's like a freakin' DRUG. Except I don't actually enjoy running. But all I can think about when I'm not running, is when I get the next "fix" of running. I can't wait until this marathong is over.

Anyway, all I could think about Monday was how sick I felt and what I should do about my 10 mile run the next day (Tuesday, today). Should I run? Should I sleep? If I run, I could either sweat the germs out of my body and maybe it'll make me feel better, OR I could possibly make it worse. But skipping a 10 miler is kind of a big deal to me. I don't want to go through my entire Tuesday thinking that I could have maybe finished it. I'd probably just complain all day that I didn't run and I would feel like I'm truly not preparing for this marathong. And trust me, my co-workers are already tired of how much I talk about running. I could only imagine what their faces would look like if I complained about skipping this run.

After all that thinking, I made a decision: I was going to run. And I did. 10.03 miles today at 4:54am. Stupidly early, but I did it. And side note: I totally got lost. I was lost enough to have to pull my phone out of my pocket and GPS myself to find out where I was. I went about a mile out of the way of my route. OOPS.

So here I am, feeling just as sick as I felt on Monday, but I am 10 miles closer to finishing the marathong training. I almost think that if I skipped this run, I would have felt worse. Hopefully, I can get over this cold ASAP because I really can't afford to skip much training.

I remember my days back in college when I played lacrosse. During the sick season, there would be a few of us who would have to keep out of practice because we were sick. I think back on that now, and after enduring so much running and torture to my body from marathonging, I would NEVER have skipped practice knowing what I know now about feeling sick and wanting to stay active. It's sort of crazy what you're willing to put your body through when you want to achieve something athletic.

Anyway, I plan on taking tomorrow off. I am scheduled to run 3 miles, but I think I should just really kick this cold. And 3 miles is skippable. To me anyway. We'll see how long this cold lasts, but hopefully I'll be back and healthy as ever.

SO to anyone feeling sick right now: SUCK IT UP YOU FAT PANSIES. I JUST RAN 10 FREAKIN' MILES TODAY.

O.M.G. (OH-MY-GU)

I totally thought of that title while on my 16 miler today. I thought it was pretty clever. Maybe not.

Anyway, today, I logged in 16 miles. 16 MILES! That's the most I've ever gone so far, so I have to say, I'm quite proud of myself. In addition to that, it was actually probably the best long run I've logged in so far.

Last week, I ran 14 miles for my long run and I was EXHAUSTED almost the whole time. And the entire time I was running, all I could think about was how I was only running 14 miles (half of the real race) and I was so butt tired. How the hell was I going to survive the marathong?! Well, silly me, I didn't think of it at the time, but I hadn't even thought of endurance supplements for my long runs. The last time I had GU was back in July, I think, and I had it on a 12 mile run. I didn't really feel a difference, and I just felt like I was consuming calories and not really expending them. But today, I ate a GU pack (Vanilla Bean: pretty tasty) 15 minutes before I started running, and then at another pack 45 minutes after that, and then one more 45 minutes after that.

Being able to compare how I felt last week, at 14 miles, with just water, to today, at 16 miles with water and GU... OMG. OH MY GU. It was like I was a completely different person. I actually felt GOOD running. Normally, I always feel like I wish I hadn't decided to run the marathong, but today, I was energized and kept a good pace! Of course, 16 miles is 16 miles, regardless of how much GU I consumed, and my legs and feet still are sore, but the time I spent running wasn't miserable. And that is awesome.

I managed to run a sub 2 hour 1/2 marathong and kept an average pace of sub 9 min for the entire run. Maybe not fast to some of you crazy runners, but for me, I'll take those numbers. Today was exactly what I needed to regain some of the motivation I lost over the last few runs of twisting my ankle and dealing with crappy weather conditions and blisters and all. Hopefully I can take this feeling and carry it on into the next couple of months. Come Januray, I'll be running 20 miles-ish and probably REALLY wishing I didn't decide to run this race... but we'll see!!